Businessman sleeping with sticky notes on eyes at desk in office

Well, you’ve decided that it’s time to move on and find a new job. At this point, I guess you have two options: try to get the pink slip or gracefully give your two weeks. Either way, just get it done in short order.

Here’s a terse set of brilliant exodus ideas for you to consider if you want to get out fast.

    1.  The Wolf of Wall Street Approach

Get totally wasted at lunch, which by the way, sounds really good to me. I would disclose some of my own indiscretions at this point, but then I would probably get canned myself and I can’t afford that. Anyway, I digress.

But, if you really want to get fired, I would grab your favorite colleague, rent a limo, and get down to some lush restaurant on the water. Then order vodka martinis every five minutes until one of you passes out. And don’t forget to charge it all on the corporate credit card.

This might actually get you fired in one day if you pass out and don’t show back up to work while the rest of your team is working their faces off.

Plus, a martini departure is a real classy move. In fact, it’s pretty epic. A cool boss would applaud you for this behavior—but I really doubt that will happen—unless I was your boss.

2.  Pull a Ron Burgundy

You’ve all see Anchorman right? If not, watch it. It’s the perfect professional meltdown. So Will Ferrell’s character Ron Burgundy ends up in competition from a woman, by god, for the anchor position. Young and beautiful Veronica Corningstone (played by Christina Applegate) rolls in, amongst a gang of chest pounding male colleagues and gives Ron a run for his money at the news desk.

Let me tell you, the perfect way to get fired is to have a gender war. And Ron and his band of idiots fired the cannons.

Burgundy totally loses his mind with Corningstone. His typical sign off was “keep it classy San Diego,” but he went ahead and laid it all on the line with “go f**k yourself San Diego.” I mean really, this is an awe-inspiring way to get fired. Just go ahead and toss out the “f-bomb” and check the pulse of the crowd. I’d pretty much put it all in and bet that you get 86’d.

3.  How Could I Possibly be Expected to Handle Work on a Day Like This? It’s probably a good idea to call in sick for the 10th time, especially if you’re trending on every Monday. I’ve been around the block a few times and I’ve played this game before. Rest assured that when I was a director, I tracked every move of my prime offender. My issue wasn’t really about this person not doing their job, it was more about him thinking I had my head up my ass.

Nothing pisses off a manager more than questioning their intelligence. So go for it Ferris.

4.  Grab the Goldfish and Peace Out. Sometimes your moral epiphany isn’t what the boss man wants to hear. One time I decided to write my own eulogy…that I titled, “I Woke Up.” It was basically my sentiment to my bosses for working me silly. 80 hours a week in fact, with a peasants pay. I guess what I learned is having an opinion might be frowned upon in some circles. So if you can’t reasonably voice it, then you probably don’t belong there anyway. So grab Flipper the fish and ask “who wants to come with me?”

5.  “You’re Not the Boss of Me.” Famous words from the infamous Dirk Diggler. You wanna really piss of the boss? Go ahead and claim that the company can’t survive without you. The best thing you can do is to act like life at the ol’ donut shop doesn’t go on after you leave. I once told my boss that I “ran circles” around my colleague. Then I asked for a 6-figure salary. And, unfortunately, I received a cardboard box and was shown the door.

Needless to say, these exit methodologies probably will burn bridges (as you’re crossing) to relationships and resources that you need later. With that being said, maybe a two-week notice and a fist bump is the better idea.

But… if you get my humor… it’s pretty classic if you get fired on your day off too. Anyway, good luck. Ditch the taco stand in style and then off you go to your next venture.